Clinging Through Miscarrying
Please know we are not looking for empathy but to give people hope. Understand it is important to grieve in a time of sorrow.
I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to write this. It laid on my heart heavier than the burdened we carried. So I can not deny what God wanted those to know who struggle with mourning. This post is not to share everything in our life because we have fallen in love with our privacy and simplicity of having a small circle and those who are in it know the true, purest form of us. We cherish that simplicity. But I am about to get very personal. Ultimately I believe God’s plan for me in everything in my life is to just be a stepping stone. So those who have lost and continue too, feel our sympathy and walk on our pain to overcome yours. I never knew the strength I had until this past week but let's be honest, it didn’t come from me. It solely came from above. Some trials happen more often than some of us realize, we forget how many people actually struggle. You hear about it but maybe it never happens to you. Well, this post is for those who it’s happened to or those who may ever experience it. Please know I am not saying you should brush it off or turn into a “Positive Pete” because pain is never easy and loss is never easy. What I am saying is, if you cling to Jesus and his word there will be a peace that will fill your cup. After your mourning, you will find joy. And ultimately satan will never win your strength when you have God’s army fighting in front of you.
Our burden.. we lost our third baby. We were angry, discouraged, ashamed, broken-hearted and ultimately sick. Questioned why us, and why now? Glass has been broken, swear words have been screamed, and our knees are bruised from falling flat on our face on the tile floor. Our house is an absolute mess, our dirty laundry is piled high, our marriage has been quiet. And as for me, I wanted to be in isolation the first couple days so another person did not touch my bump and say “oh my God you’re expecting”. Mainly because I felt more terrible giving them the news that made them feel like a piece of crap for trying to congratulate us on such an exciting time. I have had a photo shoots every single day since everything has been passing and continues to pass. Six shoots, and one wedding where I only answered with "I feel great" for those who knew. I could not break the news before I started a shoot where I emphasize the importance of focusing on each others presence and warmth the evening brings. Nor could I possibly keep it together if I told the truth of what was happening to my body when I stood behind a camera. I've always loved to choose the hope over sadness in every outlook. But this third one was a hurt I never before that I wouldn't speak of it. I wouldn't let it in, until I was alone where no one saw "the strong me" crumble faster than ashes.
When my husband carried our son to bed to hold every night this week, I wept on the bathroom floor. To push it all aside to say a happy goodbye so that he went to work in the morning with the best spirits he possibly could. I prayed and I prayed and prayed when every person in my family and friends walked out that door to give me the strength to face another. To not let me cry because when it started it usually doesn't stop. But when it came to me being alone.. I was ticking bomb. I mean a bomb. Where satan made me fill a busy schedule to hide my pain, to tell me happens all the time. Get over it. (Lie from the pit of hell). Then the power of prayer overcame. Most the time I didn't even have the desire to read the word but just hold my moms bible she passed down that is bound with duct tape from wear. Where I found peace and truth. Where God said, "I mourned the death of my son all for you and I know your pain child".
Many people have been waiting for the announcement to appear because it is no secret every grocery trip, photo shoot the bump was more than present so early. I tried to wear everything loose as possible because in the back of my mind I had the fear that this day would come yet again. Those who did know, who sent the sweetest pregnancy gifts, baby clothes, and congrats that we cherish so deeply and we will hold special for that child we never got in our arms. I decided to write this blog to express something that some may never feel in a time like this. But explain, that it is possible.Jesus's love that pours over at a time of sorrow. Hear me when I say you don’t need to put your happy face on at a time like this. But if there is anything I have to give from my experience is how hard I had to cling and climb to my savior. I hope I can be anything but a supporter and strength to those women who have lost and continue too.
Surprisingly, it is peace I have carried this week and after peace came joy. I know you’re thinking, what the heck is this fake expression that screams “it all be ok and everything happens for a reason”. Promise that's not what this is. What it is.. is how good OUR God is. When I gave my trust fully to the Lord. I wasn’t sure what it was going to look like. Whether I would feel like I would always fail, or walking on egg shells because of the sins I commit. That's the purest lie I have been told by the enemy. For giving my heart to the Lord I have felt nothing but security, strength, hope, and love. In a time like this where my husband, family, and friends question why us, why three? I choose to stand with my king's future plans and know that this was to meant to be. And that was to send not one, or two but now three babies to a greater place than this materialistic world. Although, we didn’t get them in our arms it's not surprise that they are in our hearts. What I want to say in this blog, is nothing but simple truth. Nothing unsympathetic or vague but rather a beautiful ending to something I hold on to. When you give your whole heart to God, you find peace in all that happens and goodness. I have a child who is living and so full of life that I can not discount that blessing even at a time like this. I have prayed for strength, peace, and love so that I can not only carry myself as I pass another child, but my husbands hurt and my born child's’ needs. And I have received all of that more because my God is so faithful. I know that because I gave my life to him, I will have a flipping squad sitting at heavens gates. I will be running when the day comes never looking back thinking three of my babies will be waiting arms open for their mama. I hold onto that. So what I want you to know or someone who doesn’t is God uses our pain and struggles and turns them into a blessing if you believe in him. Our Lord, never wants to see us hurt. But know he is always with you for he is closest to the broken-hearted. The blessing I have received is strength, peace and forever home where I will one day hold my babies. We will never know if the timing wasn’t right for us or if it just wasn’t his plan. What we know is all that he does, he does in love. You will never regret giving your life fully to the Lord if you haven’t already. For this, NOT our forever home and how great is he that places those children in a place where they experience no despair but only love. For those who have lost or ever will lose a baby, know that you can be angry and you can feel so broken. For I hope you never have to experience it if you have not. But when you dive deep into God’s love you will find peace and new hope because your babies are in better hands than your own. No matter how hard I do not want to swallow that, nor will I ever. This is never a goodbye but we just haven’t experienced our true beginning yet, so hold on. We have chosen to feel blessed after we mourned another child lost because of the goodness and blessings that have poured over us. I am not sure what tomorrow brings for you or me. My grieving may hit me like a Mack truck from pushing it away and continuing to fill my schedule. But all I know is I will be running to the foot of the cross throwing every burden down. I want to be the example of Christ for my husband and son and all those around me. It is never is and will always hurt but this pain is only temporary for my home is somewhere else.
Whatever your struggle, addiction, burden or trial give to God. Trust in him, for when give your life to Jesus he will prosper and give you nothing but the fruit of his love. You will not be sorry. Cling to him not only in sadness but in happiness for he will always bless you.
To any women that lose's a child if you ever need to talk, hug, cry together or scream at.. I am your girl. I will never tell you it will be ok or there is a reason for this during your time of grieving. Solely to hold you and tell you how much you are truly loved by all and incredible king. For you are NOT alone. Surrounded by God and his army and many more women than you realize who also have experienced this awful time.
Special thanks, to all who have loved us unconditionally this past week. The gifts, food, service, love is something we could repay. Those who have wept by our side, rubbed our backs and let tears fall for our unborn babies WE CHERISH YOU.
Let us be your stepping stone, The Williams Fam.
During this time this is what I held onto to find hope.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."
"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."
1 Peter 5:10
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them."
Still clinging, B